Let’s hear it for roommates.
As of this week I have been living with my partner for one year. The current arrangement differs from our previous attempt at cohabitation in that no one shares the apartment with us except the kitties–a few years ago we shared a bedroom in a house with two other people. Now it seems that the roommate years are over. A look back at the 18* people I lived with between the ages of 18 and 26:
Candy You grew up in foster care and learned to advocate for yourself early in life. I heard you on the phone with the admin office, skillfully untangling university red tape. Strikingly attractive, you began dating the fattest man on campus. You did his laundry for him. I came home and you were folding the biggest pair of tighty whities I had ever seen.
Annah Round 1 didn’t last long. I still had a crush on you, which kept my anxiety level around the apartment uncomfortably high. I was also still cripplingly awkward around guys, and except for me and Sarah A., most of your friends were guys.
Sara A. You talked constantly about going to visit your friend at his college to get “a piece of ass.” When you returned you bragged about said piece. Dude, you blew him three or four times, and never came yourself. Nice piece.
Joni I remember when you called your mom for comfort after you threw yourself at that acne-ridden football oaf, who rejected you. Instead of soothing words, your mother offered reminders not to give up, as this could be the man God has chosen for your husband.
Lori You needed Joni to feel better about yourself.
Koren Your boyfriend had died in a car wreck less than a year before we shared a room. I think you were still working through a tangle of chaotic feelings. Is that why you got into that barfight?
Emily Mainly I remember you banging pots and pans together all the time. What the hell were you cooking?
Bethany You hated yourself for something and sought punishment by swallowing up electives taught by misogynists.
Andrea You saw someone changing a flat tire in the snow. Though you didn’t stop to help, you rolled down the window and cheerfully yelled, “Jesus loves you!” They flipped you off.
Annah Round 2 took place in the infamous falling-apart house we affectionately called “The Ministry.” We will laugh about The Ministry for the rest of our lives.
Annie Where do I start? Paranoid that The Ministry’s other residents were eating your food, you wrote “FUCK YOU” on all your bananas. Also, you ate our food.
Haleigh To your credit, you only sometimes lived at The Ministry. That’s why you had to sleep in the hallway and keep your clothes in the bathroom.
Kelsey You tried to kill yourself on the front lawn. Recently, three alumni of The Ministry informed me that you also tried to kill me, but I don’t remember that part. Once I found you drunk in the bathtub with all your clothes on.
Sarah J. You decorated The Ministry’s living room in black faux fur and red pleather, significantly improving it. I don’t remember why I always napped in your bed, but thanks.
Rod The day I came out to my parents, I was far from my oldest friends. It was a terrible day. You gave me a big hug and we went out for pizza. Because of this I didn’t move out when your personal finances began spinning out of control, or when you started huffing whippits ( whippits!), or when you struck up a friendship with the creepy pilled-up neighbor who later robbed you. I didn’t move out until the first time your rent check bounced, and even then I gave you six weeks notice. How did you catch tuberculosis?
Jay You smoked an amazing amount of weed. One day I came home and found you mowing the lawn in an erratic pattern, your pipe cast in a tall patch of grass.
Katie Mc. We worked together. I bumped into several of our young, handsome colleagues leaving our house in the mornings. I never commented and never mentioned these meetings to anyone at work, but you still felt compelled to lie about why they spent the night.
Liz I lived with you for less than two months and know very little about you, but I when I ran out of gas you came and pushed my car out of the intersection. Is your name Liz? I don’t remember.
Katie M. Because you are my cousin, we already knew one another’s bad habits. I dropped a washcloth near your finches and forgot about it; later it sprouted. We’re gross.
Thank you all, even the ones I hope never to see again, for living with me.
*If you count my three Ukrainian host families, the number climbs to 24.
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November 4th, 2008 at 8:40 am
I do remember finding my favorite roommates curled up in my ridiculously fluffy bed. I miss you guys.