Price Cutter
I had this fascinating conversation at the grocery store the other day. Transcript after the jump.
Checkout lady: Can I see some ID?
(I produce my driver’s license in order to purchase a 6-pack.)
Checkout lady: Wow, New York, huh? Are you goin to school down here?
Me: No, I used to live in New York, I just haven’t gotten around to changing my license yet.
Bag boy: I have a cousin that lives there.
Me: Oh yeah?
Bag boy: Er, wait, I think he lives in New Jersey.
Me: Hey, I brought my own bag…can you just put the groceries in this instead of the plastic ones?
Bag boy, looking perplexed: Oh. You mean…you want all of it in there?
I nod.
Checkout lady, inspecting my pumice stone: Is this soap?
Me: No, it’s a pumice stone. It helps get dead skin off your feet.
Checkout lady: Oh, I need to git me one of those. I walk around barefoot all summer so my feet git a lot of dead skin on them.
Me, to the bag boy: You can fit a lot more in that bag. I’d really prefer not to have to take any plastic ones.
Bag boy, wearing a look of perpetual dumbfoundedness: Well, this is gittin kinda heavy, I don’t wantcha to have trouble carrying it.
Me: It’s fine, I can carry it. Put all my groceries in there. (I hate baggers. I wish grocery stores would just let you put your own damn groceries in your own damn bags.)
Bag boy: Are you sure?It’s gonna weigh about 20 pounds.
(I try not to look too irate as I assure the bag boy that I can carry a 20-pound bag. Also, it weighs about 10 pounds when all is said and done.)
Checkout lady, holding up a bunch of kale: What’s this?
Me: It’s kale (gesturing toward sticker around the bunch of kale, which clearly reads “KALE” and has the PLU code on it.
Checkout lady: Are these some kinda new oranges?
Me: No, they’re just blood oranges, they’re on sale.
Checkout lady: I’ll be. I never seen red oranges before.
Bag boy: You never think of oranges bein’ red, ’cause they’re name is “orange.”
Me: They’re tasty, you should try one.
Checkout lady: Did you git your tattoos at Hearts of Fire (name of popular tattoo shop in Springfield)?
Me: No, I got them at a bunch of different places.
Bag boy: Are you a vegetarian?
Me: Yes.
Checkout lady: Yeah, I thought so, ’cause you sure got a lot of vegetables.
Bag boy: Is that hard?
Me: Nope.
Checkout lady: I was goin’ to ask you but then I didn’t think you was ’cause you bought beer.
Me: Well, beer is vegetarian.
Checkout lady: Well, ’cause a lot of vegetarians are more healthy, so I figure they wouldn’t drink beer.
Me: You can be healthy and still drink here and there.
Bag boy, who’s probably about 19 years old: Man, I had to give up drinkin’ vodka though. I just stick to beer now. I had some bad nights on vodka.
Checkout lady: See, for me it’s tequila. I got so wasted on tequila, whenever I smell it I just want to barf.
Me, to bag boy: You don’t have to put that in a plastic bag, I’ll just carry it.
Bag boy: Are you sure? Can you lift that?
Me, exasperation entering my voice/facial expression: Yes, I can lift that.
Checkout lady, to bag boy: C’mon Jordan, she’s an independent woman. We can lift that stuff.
Bag boy: All right ma’am, you have a good day. Enjoy eatin’ your red oranges.
Price Cutter visit no. 2, later on the same week:
My roommate and I had to make a quick trip to the store to purchase vodka (pink lemonade Burnett’s for her, the plain stuff for me). The checkout boy put my juice in one bag and double-bagged my vodka in another. I promptly took both bottles out and informed him I had no need of a bag, since we were just heading home.
Checkout boy: Just gonna carry it around out in the open, then?
Roomie fails to suppress a laugh.
Me: Yep, I’m not ashamed of my vodka.
Checkout boy: That’s cool. You know, Missouri don’t have any laws on the books against public intoxication. Just DUIs.
Me: Although they do have laws regarding bicycling while intoxicated, which I learned the hard way.
Roomie: You and your bike problems.
Gentleman in the next aisle over, talking to the checkout clerk: How you doin’ tonight, man? Yep, as you can see, I got the MUNCHIES big time!
Checkout boy: You ladies have a good night, be careful now. (Winks at one of us. I think it was at SJ but she maintains no one hits on her at the honky grocery stores because she has brown skin. We drive off gently into the good night, with our unbagged vodka hanging out in the backseat for all to see.)
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