Stuff White Feminists Like
In the grand and now oft-imitated tradition of Stuff White People Like comes a shameless collection of the top ten things white feminists like…for those (rare) moments when you need to know something about us and we haven’t already shoved our opinion down your throat with our Defeat the Patriarchy chopsticks.
10. Crafts
Knitting circles, the swarm of books that begin with the phrase “stitch n’ bitch”, embroidered fallopian tubes and crochet designs with such eye-catching phrases as “Fuck your fascist beauty standards” are quite popular with white feminists. Responsibility for reclaiming the right to wear aprons and knit puppy sweaters in an ironical way is split between BUST magazine and the entire city of Portland.
9. Roller derby
It’s a well-known fact that most white feminists cannot exercise unless they are wearing adorable knee socks (perhaps knitted in one of their craft circles). To that end, many turn to the sport where you skate around in a circle and…push each other against the wall? Or something. I’m going to admit that I really don’t understand the objectives/rules of the game, even though it’s been explained to me on a number of occasions and I am not a dense person. But you get to wear a cute outfit, with knee socks! And be really tough! And do something super-retro, like rollerskate!
It should be noted that white feminists are often split about roller derby. Many see it as a fun and exhilarating sport, a way to bond with (often) other like-minded souls while getting the workout and camaraderie that comes from participation in a team event. Others see it as a shallow bid for male fantasy attention, since it (often) involves short skirts and catfights in front of hipster crowds. Also, there is no male equivalent. However, it’s still cooler than yoga, which was the exercise of choice for white feminists of the ’90s.
8. bell hooks
8a. Audre Lorde
Ask many white feminists to list their favorite writers and inevitably these two will crop up in the top ten list. The backbone of many Women’s Studies programs and often the two women of color that white feminists have heard about, bell hooks (”ain’t I a woman”) and Audre Lorde (”the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house”) are also quite popular because name-dropping them in mixed-race company sends the signal to women of color that white feminists do not spend all their time watching Buffy, they care about the “other” issues, too!
Perhaps a slightly more controversial reason for this is the plain fact (coming from a person who did not major in Women’s Studies) that, unlike the old soldiers of many early feminist texts, Audre Lorde and bell hooks’ books are actually captivating reads that deal with the things that most women who are not FriedanSteinemBrownmiller face day in and day out. You know, like fair housing and childcare and working, rather than pissiness about our husband’s Playboy magazines and resentment of Downy commercials.
7. Funky or thick-framed glasses
Because I’ve just noticed this. There’s a lot of overlap in the white feminist/hipster librarian communities, or we all have girl crushes on Tina Fey, or rhinestone-encrusted vintage cat’s-eye frames are just fuckin’ cute!!!!!
6. Bettie Page
White feminists are often divided on mainstream pornography–especially stuff that incorporates BDSM themes–but apparently vintage pin-up fetish bondage porn is OK, because there’s Bettie Page! On the surface you wouldn’t think most white feminists would identify with a devout Christian conforming to traditional beauty standards who basically went along cheerily with whatever the men in her life told her to do, but Bettie Page is different because she had bangs.
5. Dabbling in vegetarianism
You can’t expect to work a crowd of white feminists without bumping your nut on a vegetarian. Practically every white feminist is currently a vegetarian, or used to be one, or wants to be one, or only eats the flesh of two-legged animals, or feels guilty about not being one. Queer white feminists are lucky because vegetarianism is also a prerequisite for lesbians (refer to But I’m a Cheerleader!) Straight white feminists have a hell of a time finding male vegetarians, so many of them put up with steak-eating boyfriends until they give in and start eating fish…then chicken, then the occasional free range beef taco, then McDonald’s. Said one Sunday school teacher of mine, “It’s a slippery slope from hand-holding to premarital sex*”, which is sort of analogous here, but mostly just disturbing.
*This man’s Sunday school class was also where I first heard the term “dry humping”, a phrase that makes me feel squeamish just typing it.
4. The Vagina Monologues
White feminists are really into reproductive rights and raising money for poor downtrodden battered women, so once a year when V-Day happens many of them converge on college campuses to see the ever-reviled, perpetually controversial Vagina Monologues. While the benefits of hearing “CUNT” shouted by someone who is not that guy on the subway displeased by your lack of interest in his groping technique cannot be denied, comparing vaginas to round ripe beautiful flowery seashells gets a little tired year after year, as most vaginas tend to look like vaginas and not so much like the Georgie O’Keefe painting everyone had in their college dorm room. And I think we can all agree that the word “coochie-snorcher” has no place in our lexicon and should immediately be replaced by something that reminds me less of mucus.
3. Johnny Depp
White feminists have divergent taste in men. Some don’t date feminist men, others don’t date men at all, and still others go out with a succession of indie schmucks who put a lot of thought into their t-shirt collection and choice of messenger bag. Yet pretty much all of us agree that Johnny Depp is the ideal and our disappointment mounts with each film in which he does not get naked.
The former Johnny Depp was John Cusack, which I may be slightly too young to appreciate. A current Johnny Depp runner-up is Stephen Colbert, but only in character.
2. Take Back the Night Rallies
Every white feminist has, without fail, been to a Take Back the Night rally. The idea is for women to gather in a public space at an hour when most of us have been told never to go out alone while listening to or participating in survivor speak-outs. Exactly from whom the night is being taken back is never questioned. Men, I suppose, but only certain men–a shadowy, vague male presence that lurks in the shadows and undermines the stark fact that most violent acts against women are committed by men they know. Oh, and notwithstanding whole populations of men who can’t even leave a bachelor party without being murdered by police officers in a hailstorm of bullets.
1. Cats
Most white feminists like animals–otherwise, why would they dabble in vegetarianism (see above)? But a certain species tops the rest, and that is the Feline Catus. After fighting the Patriarchy all day, coming home to a fuzzy kitty who’s happy to see you (or the WhiskaLickin’s, it doesn’t matter) makes it all seem worthwhile. Especially when they’re this cute.
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May 11th, 2008 at 11:54 pm
WAIT!
I’ve never been to a Take Back the Night rally! Or the Vagina Monologues!
Identity crisis…